It's been a long time since I've posted. I am here to tell you there is a good reason for that. In the time since my last post I OD'd on my Seroquel. I also spent time in an inpatient nut house (not a place for drug abuse although more than half of my fellow inmates had drug issues) and found it rather refreshing to be plunked in with people who were "obviously" mentally ill (including a patient I nicknamed "Hyena" due to this kid who ran up and down the halls waving his arms and laughing loudly like a typical mad scientist --I'm not sure what was more disturbing here: that he was daily engaging in this behavior or that no one seemed affected by this. I never heard him speak a single word).
After being sprung from this place, I immediately started the process of either being admitted to another inpatient drug therapy or admitted to an out patient program where I would mostly be evaluated and my drug cocktail could be adjusted.
Today I am 48 days clean and headed to see Dr. Rein to have my medications evaluted yet again My hallucinations are mostly under control and I'd say as good as it's going to get. Both Lauren and Ma are totally overjoyed at having me "back." And I have to say that I am rather glad myself.
Stay tuned to my usual fare. More will be coming.
Friday, November 17, 2017
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Rx "HELPER" CARDS Part One
Yeah, I know... I'll post an entry and then drop off the face of the earth for a month. There is actually a technical reason for this. You see, I write these posts on my tablet which has a keyboard. I only hook the keyboard up when I'm doing extended writing like this. The reason is because when I try to post on my regular laptop, for some reason, it doesn't give me a finalized view of the post. When I click to look at the blog view it looks exactly as it does when I'm writing it... like a page from WORD. I don't want to post anything unless I can see what it will look like to YOU. However, the keyboard is quite a bit smaller than a regular keyboard so I make typo errors a lot, etc, etc.
ANYWAY, it takes, like, three times as long to write a post as it normally would. I AM getting used to it though, so as my comfort level gradually gets better the more I will write.
So, don't worry. While I am spending time in Batshit Crazy National Forest, it is not in the form of sitting in a corner drooling in the bedroom. I've actually been quite busy with various projects. One literary, several visual arts, at least two scientific, and (what has turned out to the hardest) organizing the studio.
More on those projects later.
The last time Lauren and I went to see Mr. High and The Undertaker, for some reason the receptionist put us in the ajoining waiting room and in there was a table with different colored stacks of what we're calling "Helper Cards." They are actually colored printer paper cut to 3" by 6" and paper clipped together into groups depending on the subject. On the way out, I went back into this other waiting room and took two of them: "Voices" (yellow) and "Delusions" (red). I was reading them to Lauren on the way home and said, "These will be fun for the blog" (to which she enthusiastically agreed).
Before I begin, I want to ONCE AGAIN point out that, while I might use any part of my healing process for it's comedy value here in this blog (which is also part of my healing process), I DO TAKE ALL OF THIS VERY SERIOUSLY. On that note, shall we begin?
When I use these Helper Cards here, I will only concentrate on one per post.
So, the first card in the "voices" category (because I've been hearing more than just the storm wind lately) reads as follows:
"WHEN THE VOICES START, HUM OR SPEAK QUIETLY TO YOUR SELF... Some research suggests that using your own voice can make distressing voices go away."
Now, I've been a performing artist practically my whole life. When I was about 10 years old, Ma walked into my room without knocking and found me playing air guitar and singing into a hair brush to a Partridge Family album and I was in my first guitar lesson a week later. Even before that, I would read books out loud (each paragraph in a different voice taken from kids in my class). As I started to write my own music, I would discuss it with myself OUT LOUD. Ma was always asking me who I was talking to (without opening the door) and I'd say, "Myself." She would say OK and be off to continue on to wherever it was she had been off to when she passed my door. As a result, I've never had a problem with public speaking or performing (be it singing, playing, or acting).
So this Helper Card was actually the one that gave me the idea to share them here. I already am speaking to myself as well as answering. This is a process I always put under the category of "character building" (in the literary sense). So the auditory hallucinations I'm having now actually DISTRACT ME FROM TALKING TO MYSELF.
At this moment, I am working on getting my performing voice back as I hope to, at some point, do a final "concert." So, I am in the middle of voice bootcamp. This means I read everying outloud, I never fix food without doing a commentary (mostly for Laurens sake to make her laugh) for a imaginary show I call "Hobo Kitchen." When in any kind of store by myself, I speak all of my thoughts loud enough for anyone close to hear and you'd be surprised how often people either laugh out loud or start talking to me. And, of course, when in the middle of any sort of science experimention, this is the perfect place to throw ideas back and forth with myself.
We haven't talked about the "Tree People" yet but I always word my thoughts in the backyard to Elfie, our pup. Of course, I will repeat back to myself her "answers" which mostly come out as questions.
However there is a big difference between a speaking voice and a singing voice. So I've also started popping the headphones on and singing at the top of my voice outside. This has been the hardest step, like when I first started busking in Nashville, but the most productive. There is a certain headspace you need to be in to sing so loud (sometimes the same song over and over) to music that only
you can hear. But I know that because this is the hardest part to get comfortable with, I am making huge strides toward my ultimate goal.
Eventually, the headphones will come off and the guitar will go out with me. When I get to the point of busking in our own backyard the new songs I intend to write between now and then, I'll know it will be time to start the technical aspects of this one and only and LAST show.
Now, aside from all of this (and in addition to the auditory "storm" I hear), I also hear a male voice (sometimes yelling as if from far away or talking as though in the same room) desperately asking, "CAN YOU HEAR ME?" That's the main one anyway. Very annoying since I then have to stop talking to myself to hear him. He sounds lost and I haven't yet answered him.
At any rate, I did get a good laugh from this Helper Card. I didn't find it particularly helpful, though.
The next time we delve into Helper Cards, I'll take one from the "delusions" pile. And then alternate. In the meantime, I hope I have other things to write about between now and then. The Helper Cards are really a filler for when I know I haven't written in too long, and need a good subject to start the entry out with.
Until then I highly recommend talking to and answering yourself. It's good for the soul.
ANYWAY, it takes, like, three times as long to write a post as it normally would. I AM getting used to it though, so as my comfort level gradually gets better the more I will write.
So, don't worry. While I am spending time in Batshit Crazy National Forest, it is not in the form of sitting in a corner drooling in the bedroom. I've actually been quite busy with various projects. One literary, several visual arts, at least two scientific, and (what has turned out to the hardest) organizing the studio.
More on those projects later.
The last time Lauren and I went to see Mr. High and The Undertaker, for some reason the receptionist put us in the ajoining waiting room and in there was a table with different colored stacks of what we're calling "Helper Cards." They are actually colored printer paper cut to 3" by 6" and paper clipped together into groups depending on the subject. On the way out, I went back into this other waiting room and took two of them: "Voices" (yellow) and "Delusions" (red). I was reading them to Lauren on the way home and said, "These will be fun for the blog" (to which she enthusiastically agreed).
Before I begin, I want to ONCE AGAIN point out that, while I might use any part of my healing process for it's comedy value here in this blog (which is also part of my healing process), I DO TAKE ALL OF THIS VERY SERIOUSLY. On that note, shall we begin?
When I use these Helper Cards here, I will only concentrate on one per post.
So, the first card in the "voices" category (because I've been hearing more than just the storm wind lately) reads as follows:
"WHEN THE VOICES START, HUM OR SPEAK QUIETLY TO YOUR SELF... Some research suggests that using your own voice can make distressing voices go away."
Now, I've been a performing artist practically my whole life. When I was about 10 years old, Ma walked into my room without knocking and found me playing air guitar and singing into a hair brush to a Partridge Family album and I was in my first guitar lesson a week later. Even before that, I would read books out loud (each paragraph in a different voice taken from kids in my class). As I started to write my own music, I would discuss it with myself OUT LOUD. Ma was always asking me who I was talking to (without opening the door) and I'd say, "Myself." She would say OK and be off to continue on to wherever it was she had been off to when she passed my door. As a result, I've never had a problem with public speaking or performing (be it singing, playing, or acting).
So this Helper Card was actually the one that gave me the idea to share them here. I already am speaking to myself as well as answering. This is a process I always put under the category of "character building" (in the literary sense). So the auditory hallucinations I'm having now actually DISTRACT ME FROM TALKING TO MYSELF.
At this moment, I am working on getting my performing voice back as I hope to, at some point, do a final "concert." So, I am in the middle of voice bootcamp. This means I read everying outloud, I never fix food without doing a commentary (mostly for Laurens sake to make her laugh) for a imaginary show I call "Hobo Kitchen." When in any kind of store by myself, I speak all of my thoughts loud enough for anyone close to hear and you'd be surprised how often people either laugh out loud or start talking to me. And, of course, when in the middle of any sort of science experimention, this is the perfect place to throw ideas back and forth with myself.
We haven't talked about the "Tree People" yet but I always word my thoughts in the backyard to Elfie, our pup. Of course, I will repeat back to myself her "answers" which mostly come out as questions.
However there is a big difference between a speaking voice and a singing voice. So I've also started popping the headphones on and singing at the top of my voice outside. This has been the hardest step, like when I first started busking in Nashville, but the most productive. There is a certain headspace you need to be in to sing so loud (sometimes the same song over and over) to music that only
you can hear. But I know that because this is the hardest part to get comfortable with, I am making huge strides toward my ultimate goal.
Eventually, the headphones will come off and the guitar will go out with me. When I get to the point of busking in our own backyard the new songs I intend to write between now and then, I'll know it will be time to start the technical aspects of this one and only and LAST show.
Now, aside from all of this (and in addition to the auditory "storm" I hear), I also hear a male voice (sometimes yelling as if from far away or talking as though in the same room) desperately asking, "CAN YOU HEAR ME?" That's the main one anyway. Very annoying since I then have to stop talking to myself to hear him. He sounds lost and I haven't yet answered him.
At any rate, I did get a good laugh from this Helper Card. I didn't find it particularly helpful, though.
The next time we delve into Helper Cards, I'll take one from the "delusions" pile. And then alternate. In the meantime, I hope I have other things to write about between now and then. The Helper Cards are really a filler for when I know I haven't written in too long, and need a good subject to start the entry out with.
Until then I highly recommend talking to and answering yourself. It's good for the soul.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
REAL "WINTER" WIND
Now that the holiday season is over (which, for the most part, we didn't participate in), I'm feeling not so jangley and can therefore turn my attentions back to things like blog posts.
This occasion is a good one because the last two days we were subjected to "high winds." Gusts up to 45mph. Now I have always been a fan of "extreme" weather, but given my anxiety over the "auditory hallucination" of the wind aspect concerning a certain winter storm that's not happening (supposedly), it suddenly dawned on me that my wife, Lauren, is afraid of high winds.
As it turned out, I was able to comfort her (as well as the cats) because the winds we were getting weren't the "right" ones. For one thing, although it was accompanied by a good bit of rain, there was certainly no rain "storm." The melody of the winds were wrong because it wasn't cold enough and it was too warm for snow. In fact, for me it was a respite because the real winds prohibitated me from hearing the "other" winds.
And there was a new discovery concerning our pup, Elfie, which was totally unexpected. Here, our mighty fearless "cannibal hunter" dog (who is unphased by loud noises such as thunder and fireworks, who takes no notice of pouring rain she might be standing in, and who loves finding water frozen into ice in various vessels we have throughout out yard so she can pull chunks out and eat them at every opportunity) is afraid of high winds like everyone else in the family but me.
This wind event in no way disturbed me and I rather enjoyed it.
But it's over now... and there is nothing to mask the sound of that other wind that I'm not supposed to be hearing...
This occasion is a good one because the last two days we were subjected to "high winds." Gusts up to 45mph. Now I have always been a fan of "extreme" weather, but given my anxiety over the "auditory hallucination" of the wind aspect concerning a certain winter storm that's not happening (supposedly), it suddenly dawned on me that my wife, Lauren, is afraid of high winds.
As it turned out, I was able to comfort her (as well as the cats) because the winds we were getting weren't the "right" ones. For one thing, although it was accompanied by a good bit of rain, there was certainly no rain "storm." The melody of the winds were wrong because it wasn't cold enough and it was too warm for snow. In fact, for me it was a respite because the real winds prohibitated me from hearing the "other" winds.
And there was a new discovery concerning our pup, Elfie, which was totally unexpected. Here, our mighty fearless "cannibal hunter" dog (who is unphased by loud noises such as thunder and fireworks, who takes no notice of pouring rain she might be standing in, and who loves finding water frozen into ice in various vessels we have throughout out yard so she can pull chunks out and eat them at every opportunity) is afraid of high winds like everyone else in the family but me.
This wind event in no way disturbed me and I rather enjoyed it.
But it's over now... and there is nothing to mask the sound of that other wind that I'm not supposed to be hearing...
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