Yeah, I know... I'll post an entry and then drop off the face of the earth for a month. There is actually a technical reason for this. You see, I write these posts on my tablet which has a keyboard. I only hook the keyboard up when I'm doing extended writing like this. The reason is because when I try to post on my regular laptop, for some reason, it doesn't give me a finalized view of the post. When I click to look at the blog view it looks exactly as it does when I'm writing it... like a page from WORD. I don't want to post anything unless I can see what it will look like to YOU. However, the keyboard is quite a bit smaller than a regular keyboard so I make typo errors a lot, etc, etc.
ANYWAY, it takes, like, three times as long to write a post as it normally would. I AM getting used to it though, so as my comfort level gradually gets better the more I will write.
So, don't worry. While I am spending time in Batshit Crazy National Forest, it is not in the form of sitting in a corner drooling in the bedroom. I've actually been quite busy with various projects. One literary, several visual arts, at least two scientific, and (what has turned out to the hardest) organizing the studio.
More on those projects later.
The last time Lauren and I went to see Mr. High and The Undertaker, for some reason the receptionist put us in the ajoining waiting room and in there was a table with different colored stacks of what we're calling "Helper Cards." They are actually colored printer paper cut to 3" by 6" and paper clipped together into groups depending on the subject. On the way out, I went back into this other waiting room and took two of them: "Voices" (yellow) and "Delusions" (red). I was reading them to Lauren on the way home and said, "These will be fun for the blog" (to which she enthusiastically agreed).
Before I begin, I want to ONCE AGAIN point out that, while I might use any part of my healing process for it's comedy value here in this blog (which is also part of my healing process), I DO TAKE ALL OF THIS VERY SERIOUSLY. On that note, shall we begin?
When I use these Helper Cards here, I will only concentrate on one per post.
So, the first card in the "voices" category (because I've been hearing more than just the storm wind lately) reads as follows:
"WHEN THE VOICES START, HUM OR SPEAK QUIETLY TO YOUR SELF... Some research suggests that using your own voice can make distressing voices go away."
Now, I've been a performing artist practically my whole life. When I was about 10 years old, Ma walked into my room without knocking and found me playing air guitar and singing into a hair brush to a Partridge Family album and I was in my first guitar lesson a week later. Even before that, I would read books out loud (each paragraph in a different voice taken from kids in my class). As I started to write my own music, I would discuss it with myself OUT LOUD. Ma was always asking me who I was talking to (without opening the door) and I'd say, "Myself." She would say OK and be off to continue on to wherever it was she had been off to when she passed my door. As a result, I've never had a problem with public speaking or performing (be it singing, playing, or acting).
So this Helper Card was actually the one that gave me the idea to share them here. I already am speaking to myself as well as answering. This is a process I always put under the category of "character building" (in the literary sense). So the auditory hallucinations I'm having now actually DISTRACT ME FROM TALKING TO MYSELF.
At this moment, I am working on getting my performing voice back as I hope to, at some point, do a final "concert." So, I am in the middle of voice bootcamp. This means I read everying outloud, I never fix food without doing a commentary (mostly for Laurens sake to make her laugh) for a imaginary show I call "Hobo Kitchen." When in any kind of store by myself, I speak all of my thoughts loud enough for anyone close to hear and you'd be surprised how often people either laugh out loud or start talking to me. And, of course, when in the middle of any sort of science experimention, this is the perfect place to throw ideas back and forth with myself.
We haven't talked about the "Tree People" yet but I always word my thoughts in the backyard to Elfie, our pup. Of course, I will repeat back to myself her "answers" which mostly come out as questions.
However there is a big difference between a speaking voice and a singing voice. So I've also started popping the headphones on and singing at the top of my voice outside. This has been the hardest step, like when I first started busking in Nashville, but the most productive. There is a certain headspace you need to be in to sing so loud (sometimes the same song over and over) to music that only
you can hear. But I know that because this is the hardest part to get comfortable with, I am making huge strides toward my ultimate goal.
Eventually, the headphones will come off and the guitar will go out with me. When I get to the point of busking in our own backyard the new songs I intend to write between now and then, I'll know it will be time to start the technical aspects of this one and only and LAST show.
Now, aside from all of this (and in addition to the auditory "storm" I hear), I also hear a male voice (sometimes yelling as if from far away or talking as though in the same room) desperately asking, "CAN YOU HEAR ME?" That's the main one anyway. Very annoying since I then have to stop talking to myself to hear him. He sounds lost and I haven't yet answered him.
At any rate, I did get a good laugh from this Helper Card. I didn't find it particularly helpful, though.
The next time we delve into Helper Cards, I'll take one from the "delusions" pile. And then alternate. In the meantime, I hope I have other things to write about between now and then. The Helper Cards are really a filler for when I know I haven't written in too long, and need a good subject to start the entry out with.
Until then I highly recommend talking to and answering yourself. It's good for the soul.
